Okay. I need to pick myself up and attempt to get myself back on track. I'm not good at sticking to gameplans but it's better to make one and identify my goals occasionally than just keep getting fuzzier and fuzzier.

I'm not good at juggling a lot of things. My brain hates sticking to one thing. I like to learn new things and once learning that becomes old news I wanna move onto the new thing!! Life is a fuck 132362738 abandoned hobbies.

So let's lay out what's important to me and try to rank my priorities. Not all of these are hobby related but they're important to factor in because they're fighting desperately to remain in focus when I get distracted/avoidant and run away to avoid the stresses of life they might be involved in. I want to start spending 1 hour minimum every day doing this stuff(like, drawing, not losing weight or working obvs lmao) ideally at a set time (5-6pm) and writing this is part of what I'm doing today! Day 1!

MY JOB(sewing plushies), losing weight, drawing, 3d modelling, programming, game dev, exercise, reading, video games, oh god I thought this would be longer I'm fading away I'm becoming paper thin

Ranking these as a list in order of priority it'd be kinda in that order but I'll list out justifications after.


My job is the most important thing and it's very easy for me to run away from it and hide in the comfort of braindead video games and other parts of my job that are less important than like the current commission on queue. (I usually run from comms by grinding out bats for etsy orders and stuff, prepping materials for future orders, a lot of "as long as I'm busy I'm not doing anything wrong ha ha"). I did pretty good earlier this year with twisting my head on right and getting in the swing of doing lil guy comms.

I've.... definitely slowed down on that some. I have a way overdue commission from the commissioner changing what they wanted from a lil guy to an incredibly more larger and complicated doll of their oc and they're very nice and I know I can do it but I didn't originally accept that as the comm and wouldn't of if that was what we were originally agreeing upon. I KNOW I CAN DO IT, MY BRAIN JUST, WON'T LET ME, AND IT'S IN QUEUE IN MY BRAIN AND I JUST CAN'T GET PAST IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAA ok yeah I gotta focus on work! But the good work! Not the mindless bat making work!! do it do it do it!!

Losing weight

Every since going self employed and being burnt out and my mental health continuining to decline (and now my back too ugh sciatica) I've gained a lot of weight! I've always been fat but I'm too fat! I want my old fat back! This has to be a priority for me but it's so hard. I do so good and then my mental health tanks for some reason (work stress, money stress, PMDD slitting my throat) and I run to food to fill the void in my mind and heart. It doesn't, but the food noise is my brain is soooooo loud. It's really hard. But I don't want to be like this. So I have to keep trying to get it under control. :(



I'm spending today/next government mandated hobby hour trying to figure out where to go with art, what I want, what I should focus on, how I should direct myself going forward. I just keep getting trapped in the "I need to get better and learn x and y and z and my inability to do cool poses means I need to focus on that instead of just drawing for fun and enjoying myself because I can only enjoy myself if I'm GOOD". Except I'm, not bad. I have a lot I could improve on but, I won't improve on those if I don't find a way to enjoy art again consistently.

It's just there's so much noise of perfecting the fundamentals and grinding out perspective and wow this artist draws so good they've definitely studied humans perfectly vs wow I love this person's style it's so cute and simple and they definitely have skills but they've grinded art towards the way they want to draw not the way you should draw if that makes sense and they're good in their niche for it but man I'd love to focus on a style but I don't know what style I want to pursue and if I pursue the wrong one I'll be trapped in it and it'll affect my art style 4 ever and ever so I shouldn't do that unless I'm 200% into it". It's a lot of nonsense but it's there in my brain and I second guess everything. I need to sort through these thoughts and sift them properly.

As I said before I'm not like good at articulating why I like something. I'm very vibes based. So I want to take some time to sort through and identify some artists with styles I like and see if that get me anywhere. Even if I can't explain it properly I can at least make a folder with some inspirations for me to look back on and try to grasp it over time.

If I had infinite time and money I'd be an artist. I hate capitalism bro my brain wasn't made for this!!! I mean I do art for a living but I'd also like that kind of art to not be the thing paying for my apartment!!! uwoooo free me!!!

Game Dev + Programming.

These are related to each other but not purely intertwined, ya know? I can do things like rpg maker or other engines tuned for that kinda work but I stubbornly don't want to. I do want to get better at programming but learning it in the context of like, Godot, isn't exactly ideal, so I'll continue to chip away at python n such occasionally. 17 y/o me should of grinded out C# but the internet wasn't so saturated with learning materials then for everything I wanted to learn. I think if I was a modern day teen I'd be horribly addicted to something like genshin impact and if I could pry myself from it for 5 minutes I'd drown myself in learning blender or something. Stuff I did back then but with much less success. Learning 3DSMAX in 2007 was hell dude.

I don't have any dream game in mind, or really any big ideas, which is always my issue with learning anything is like, "what's my end goal with this, with art?" I'm going to tackle this when tackling my art issues and hopefully it'll bleed over into this.

I really like kairosoft games though. I'm a sucker for idle/low interaction games I can hang out with while doing work. A big one I adore is Kairosoft's Kingdom Adventure. It's a lil kingdom building sim where other than maybe telling your guys "hey go here on the map and dig around like the lil freaks you are" everyone kinda does their own thing and you just gotta make em strong enough to fight monsters to expand your borders. I really like lil guys just doing their own lil thing and gathering resources. Digging in dirt, making lil items, transporting items to storage automatically. It's fun to have that ecosystem! It's bogged down by it being one of their free games so it has a gacha element to it and to become super strong you have to plan loooooooooooooong term but overall it's really enjoyable. I'd like to make something like that. A sandbox for lil guys to do their thing in.

Obviously this is a lot harder than just making jump n shoot man, which is why I need more programming skills than just surface level. Auuuugh!! I'll keep this goal in mind though, and see what I can do to work towards it.


I USED TO READ SO MUCH! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!!! AAAA!!! I need to get out of the consuming mindlessly mines and start using my brain again. I need to consume good thing instead of just bad thing so my brain will become 3x larger!! Anyways I highly recommend you read this. Just give a chapter or two a look. It helped me realize I can still read but I just need to find things that activate my neurons. Thank u The good shit


I need to move more. We all need more exercise. This is self explanatory. But I need dieting to outrank this in my weightloss journey rn I'll fit it in as I can. I'll take more walks!! I promise!!

Video Games

Like reading, I need to play more Good Games instead of Mindless Games. Mindless things feel good occasionally to disappear into but I need to balance that with a lot more things that aren't just video game junk food like Survivor games ya know? I played In Stars and Time last month though 11/10 siffrin is literally me for real for real no cap

3D Modelling

I want to do this, but I need to solve my issues with art and having no thoughts no dreams no ideas no goals no aspirations first and then this will gently float into place in my life I'm sure. I did low poly stuff a decade ago and would love to again! But I need to have ideas first! art ideas!

Okay that was. The hour for today. I need to go mail stuff. Good talk thanks for attending please read that web novel I linked please please please thanks. Also I still want to learn japanese I'll pick it back up someday. I FORGOT TO LIST STREAMING but that ties into when I feel like a creative human being so that'll solve itself when I'm human ok thanks